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How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps | Christina Wallace

4808 ratings | 186253 views
Let's face it, online dating can suck. So many potential people, so much time wasted -- is it even worth it? Podcaster and entrepreneur Christina Wallace thinks so, if you do it right. In a funny, practical talk, Wallace shares how she used her MBA skill set to invent a "zero date" approach and get off swipe-based apps -- and how you can, too. Check out more TED Talks: http://www.ted.com The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. Follow TED on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/TEDTalks Like TED on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TED Subscribe to our channel: https://www.youtube.com/TED
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Text Comments (697)
Ankur Abichandani (9 days ago)
why was this talk on Ted? Ted is becoming a filler like most things do.
Phlegethon (11 days ago)
Wow I thought this was TedX, but nope this was a Ted talk. That's gotta take some brand reputation hit with this one.
Joshua Israel (12 days ago)
Always liked the fact I'm tall (6.3) when I was dating, was able to talk to girls way out of my league, including my wife :)
Sergio Aguirre (12 days ago)
Stil not married, no kids, no home....in her 30s lol Bitter cat lady in 5....4.....3....
James Allen (11 days ago)
Yeah, she's done. She just hasn't realized it yet.
M B (15 days ago)
3:57 Those are odds a man would kill for... Jokes aside, angry men in the comments need to chill.
Troy Zhen (15 days ago)
Who is this pathetic cat lady?
Norman Szczepanski (21 days ago)
All thoses guys claiming no man gets 1 message a week. I'm not that easy on the eyes and if you're out for blood, you will get some.
VideoCesar07 (22 days ago)
The problem with online dating is it is very skewed towards women. Even a half-decent looking one will get tons of requests from several guys. This gives them the option to be very picky about who they want to go out with . When they finally meet someone chances are high they still have a few other guys on hold in their dating apps. They're not really committed to making a connection or making a serious effort in making the relationship work. They have options. I have seen this first hand with many of my female friends who will go out on dates because the guy they met checked all the boxes on their list but when they met them in person "something" about them made them decide that they should probably keep looking. Tried online dating for a couple of years but never got many dates. After I joined a singles group and went back to the old fashioned route of casual encounters it's been better. Plus I find it much more relaxing to focus on a single person and get to know them rather than have this initial impression from their dating profile that paints them as an amazing person that ends up seeming delusional when you meet them.
Adrian P (22 days ago)
yeah but at the end of the day, chatting someone up by email/text/app requires minimal effort compared to doing it in real life - that takes cahunas, especially sober low investment generally equals low reward
zero matches for me
Bellock_Grithlus (25 days ago)
complaining about all the messages she gets? complaining despite that none of the messages are coming from men suitable for her? wow that must be depressing....imagine just being ignored for 8 years or better feeling dead inside from all the rejection. granted i have turned down probably 50 fat single moms in there lait 30's
Mateus Figueiredo (1 month ago)
Lots of people in the comments didn't understand the idea behind the video. It's not about her getting 200 messages, it's not about gender, it's not about her type and requirements. It's about the zeroth date, and spending 1 hour with the person to see if you click. You can ignore all the rest if it doesn't make sense to you - each person has a different experience. You don't have to be rude in the comments just because you don't get that many messages.
Mateus Figueiredo (1 month ago)
It does not matter how many matches you get. The idea is the 0th date. If you get a match, go to a 0th date.
Heldarion (1 month ago)
She went to 6 (?) 0th dates with over 200 messages. Most men are lucky to receive 6 matches, much less 6 messages. With numbers like that, they can only dream of even setting up a 0th date. That's why her talk is utterly useless for men. Her "Don't write anything sexual" advice is also meh. I'd wager I had almost as much success with sexual messages as with non-sexual ones. And I'm as average looking as it gets.
Josh Eskow (2 months ago)
I like how 20 seconds into her talk, she proves that short men are one of the last groups it is OK to openly discriminate against and talk about discriminating against them without having to worry about any consequences. Of course, this talk sucked in general, so I guess that's a consequence she'll have to live with. Man this was garbage. I wish I had swiped left.
TrueStuff (2 months ago)
Cheap human.
adanmacreates (2 months ago)
So many /nice guys/ in the comments! I wonder why they’re single??
Alan M (3 months ago)
Women are not actually attracted to men. There is a vague idea of what a man is physically, and some are better than others aesthetically speaking, but the purely physical appearance of a man is almost inconsequential unless he is horribly ugly or outrageously attractive. Women are attracted to status, money, how much a man smiles and laughs, how many friends and resources a man has, how full a man's life is--how many "cool," "exciting" and prestigious things he is doing or connected to. They are interested in how other people view him--how many people want to be around him, how other people interact with him and whether their interactions convey that he is special and amazing. They want him to be extremely outgoing and aggressive, they want him to demonstrate his status over other people by dominating them in various non-violent ways. A woman's attraction to a man is a function of her jealousy at the thought of another woman having that man. She doesn't care who he actually is or EXACTLY what he looks like physically, she only cares about the VALUE of the life he has constructed around himself. A woman basically is a greedy materialistic prostitute. Although that sounds vulgar, it's true. She trades her physical self to buy into the success a man has created for himself.
Alan M (3 months ago)
You women don't seem to understand. There is a 100 to 1 ratio of men to women on these apps.
waalex11 (3 months ago)
Meh. It's easy for females. I'd like to know the stats and tests from a male. I never got anything from almost a year from various dating apps and I believe the best are Tinder and Badoo. Now fortunately I think the Facebook Dating will be the best.
Heldarion (1 month ago)
If you've checked out the comment section, you'd have seen what the situation for men is on dating apps: the vast majority gets between 0 and maybe 5 messages/matches. But don't take my word for it. Read this guy's account on what happened when he posed as an attractive dude and as an average dude: https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a Granted, men are doing a lot wrong, such as sending dicks pics (... they literally never work but these room-temperature IQ folks send them anyway) or starting with the most inane "hi". But even if you do send something thoughtful or funny, your chances rise minimally (and the chances are amplified by how attractive you look) - because no matter how thoughtful or funny the message, she will first try to go for the more attractive guys ANYWAY. Now, let's say the woman actually reads the funny message you sent and decides to response. The typical response: "Haha!" "Lol" "that's funny :D". The level of investment in those replies is so low they might as well not have replied at all. The conversation is expected to be started, ran and finished by the guy. Because if the guy doesn't do it, there will be no conversation and no date beyond that, because the woman will just drop the guy like a hot potato and find another dude among her plentiful options who will do that, while she does next to nothing (but don't worry, she won't unmatch you, the ego boost from having that match on top of dozens of others is still too big for her to pass on). That's the power of supply and demand for you. Women receive a lot of investment and produce next to no interest. Because they don't have to. It's even more frustrating for guys because the woman in this video says "Don't send anything sexual" yet I could swear my success with sexual openers has been about as good as with non-sexual ones. It's impossible to tell what's going to work and if it failed, you won't receive any feedback so you don't even know why it failed (if it "failed" at all and she just didn't read your message for whatever reason), but at the same time, most guys don't have the sheer availability of numbers to test what works and what doesn't. The only remaining option is to risk more, but that is even more likely to backfire spectacularly. That's my rant about my experience with online dating (Tinder, OKCupid, HotOrNot, ...). The net result in a year of it has been a couple of first dates (<10) that never amounted to anything more (pretty much always because the women were disinterested, except for like once) and a single ONS which was such a massive outlier to everything else I've experienced in this regard that it felt like I won lottery. You mention Facebook dating and a friend of mine hyped it a lot too. But I don't see how it's going to be much better. Women will still go for the top 20% of their options, regardless of how limited. tl;dr - You're better of developing your interests and social skills and approaching women in real life (it also makes for better stories to share with your friends).
Geeky Lion (3 months ago)
if you're unattractive male, you're not getting anywhere. nuff' said. Men compliment women in a respectful manner these days, they're now "creepy" social media killed dating. folks, go out to a dinner , look around and see how many couples /families are on phones..... btw, YOU MORONS QUIT ASKING WOMEN FOR NUDE PHOTOS YOU DUMB FUCKS!
Aakash Vijay (3 months ago)
OK. Now do a version for ugly people like me.
Martian Lee (4 months ago)
Wish me luck!
motorised1 (4 months ago)
i came here to read sad comments try like asking a for a random women's phone number in the street.
ZypherGames (4 months ago)
I love the idea of a 0 Date. I completely agree that things need to get offline as soon as possible. Girls spend too much time arsing about and I never get to see them for weeks eventually resulting in losing interest. I've started only messaging people for a week. If they set a date to see me that would be brilliant. Else I just stop messaging them, I reply if they message me but let's face it I never get a message.
Bennyclay661 (4 months ago)
grapevine social networking is better no swiping just straight up chatting
Ruben Soto (4 months ago)
You can't touch women with a ten foot pole. They are way up in there in the clouds. They have very demanding, highly unrealistic expectations. They want the perfect man. They want a 10, while most guys are between 0 and 9. They need to get off their high horse and become grounded in reality. There are guys everywhere. Lonely guys, homeless guys, imperfect guys ready to mingle. Women just have to compromise on a few things to get a partner. Time is ticking and you don't have a lot of time, energy or money. If women gave more thought to that guy who is asking them out, instead of quickly saying, "NO!" they might find someone right there and then, on the bus, at the mall, at college, the customer, the clerk.
Nicholas T (4 months ago)
Wow...
Nadav Kravitz (4 months ago)
Nice little talk. But just two words of caution: survivorship bias.
raghu arora (4 months ago)
Online dating is nonsense. A woman does not feel anything online and she gets hundred of messages from guys. Be a man an approach women in real world. They will respect that and like you.
Adnan A (4 months ago)
I don’t have any dating apps though...
Vegan Roxy (4 months ago)
Yes! I like this. I’m going to try this method.
Phelan Wolf (4 months ago)
Wow, so many frustrated guys commenting. Most men should not, absolutely should not do any kind of online dating because they are jerks and don't realize it. Especially those guys who are obviously hostile towards women, you guys just go away. If you want to know the other side, pretend to be a woman and see what kind of messages and how many a women gets on a dating plattform. Then you will know why it is so hard for men on dating plattforms, the jerks frustrate the women and drive them away. Just imagine a train section with 20 guys trying to hit on EVERY woman passing through, the women will not stop to talk to anyone, they will just push through quicker.
Blaack Sugar (4 months ago)
Guys already DO pretend to be women online.
Diogo Amorim (4 months ago)
I guess welcome to dating in Europe
Crypto Chan (4 months ago)
Step 1 be white step 2 be good looking step 3 cross your fingers if it's not bot or the chick ghost step 4 chick is probably dating a player then complains about not being able to find good guys. I'm out of answers. LULs This chick has not read dataclysm the book.
Martin Price (4 months ago)
great idea applying business principles to dating :- action) perform cost / benefits analysis of all potential women. conclusion) Outsource all dating to younger, better looking men
Rik Briscoe (4 months ago)
BRAVO!!! Excellent TALK!
Mislav (5 months ago)
I'd say "be hot" would be the first tip, if you fail at that, you're screwed.
Mae88 B. (5 months ago)
I don’t respond if a guy says he’s looking for FWB or one night stand. Clearly he’s a douche. 👎
Alan M (3 months ago)
Haha, you're not looking for a "discrete relationship" either?
shikamaru nara (5 months ago)
I like how tes introduces us to only the most important of sciences
Tiny Tina (5 months ago)
The amount of critical comments here are crazy, I mean it's only her point of view, it's her story, just listen and move on.. it's not gonna apply to everyone because it's her own tips and it seems like it was made for people similar to her or in her situation not for everyone... can everyone just be more empathic and chill omg
InChrist (5 months ago)
She saying don't be vain, people will always be vain. Vanity is what prevents people from finding love these days
Zendon Rey (5 months ago)
Better yet, just be reincarnated as a woman. Problem solved.
Challenges' Hunter (5 months ago)
How come this is a TED talk ?!!!!!
Beyond Psychology (5 months ago)
I thought this was an advertisement on how to meet serial killers,... Then I realized that it may actually be the secret dating we've all been waiting for; an app that shows us how find a women that can hold us down and rape us while screaming something about her biological clock,.. in perfect grammar, no less. (I like sarcasm)
Hugo Armstrong (5 months ago)
This is complete trash and why she was single.
SquiggsMitchell (5 months ago)
Online dating is like a chicken and the egg problem. Did men first become more rude, vulgar and impatient because they were being ignored by women? Or did women start ignoring men because the majority sent rude, vulgar and uninteresting messages? Idk I see it as women have to sort through loads of garbage to maybe find someone decent which is overwhelming and exhausting. And men have get ghost rejected hundreds of times before maybe finding someone worth their time which is also overwhelming and exhausting. Meetup apps and real life clubs/classes/sports are the way to go I think.
kcb_baebae (5 months ago)
The average joes are salty.
Ezra Phillip (5 months ago)
Lol, a woman trying to tell you how to date online is like... well? Nothing in the history of nature or the human condition. Hypergamy doesn’t care about how much money you threw away for a pointless degree you only got in an effort to appeal to higher quality men that aren’t attracted to you, ESPECIALLY if you’re creating a lead system for dating. Hypergamy doesn’t care, you’ll still bang the hot guy at the foam party until you’ve hit the wall... then! Then you can start looking for the “one,” but the thing is, once you’re done with your wasted years getting your worthless degree the high-value men are beginning to realize their value as his sexual peak is about a decade after yours. Surprise, he doesn’t really like you.
Shaved Butt Allah (5 months ago)
this was a waste of time
mequeimouze (5 months ago)
This "6ft tall action-oriented overachiever with an MBA" sounds unbearably choosy and annoying. But the online dating ego-boost has probably convinced her she's such a catch.
prahas777 (5 months ago)
Absolutely the smartest thing I've seen about online dating. :-)
Gerardo de Iriarte (5 months ago)
That was so lame, jesus! this TED talks are bs
archon8001 (5 months ago)
Why don't you show the woman vs men match ratio and realize its women standards, not us men. Women only date up, so why would I like them besides their sexuality? They've got nothing to offer.
suriman suriman (5 months ago)
I you are good looking (8/10 or higher) or loaded, preferable both, you can f*ck as many online women as you like. It has been proven that at the end of the day women on online dating sites in contrary to what they claim don't care about nice guy. Only about looks and money.
Rick C. (5 months ago)
She's so dull. MBA's want to turn everything in life into a case study.
Nicholas Adams (5 months ago)
That was a good little Ted talk would of like it to have been extended. I hope to find my Person.
Ricardo Murillo (5 months ago)
The comments here are more realistic than the talk. She is pretty but I find her vain and uninteresting because she tries too hard to be special.
ViciousProphet (5 months ago)
Also, because of the uniqueness of clicking with a woman online, it's much easier for men to be the targets of escorts and others of less than honest repute. So, no, women are not the only ones with online dating woes.
Heldarion (1 month ago)
not to mention the sheer number of fake accounts out to get ya
ViciousProphet (5 months ago)
I am flattered and flabbergasted when women message me first and I ALWAYS reply even if I know they aren't my type. Women are such cowards in the dating world and have 0 understanding what men have to go through online. OkCupid actually filters men's messages depending on how many you've made in a week, length of the message, and content. No matter how polite or intelligent you are, most women either won't receive your messages or won't message back based on your looks (cause really, if it were profile content all you Upstanding, Strong and Independent Women would say so, right?!). "I want to be chased and wanted. But not by you." "I want a man who's bold and daring. But not one who messages me first." "I want someone with a sense of humor who can make me laugh! But if I'm the one who doesn't get the joke it's your fault."
David Dominguez (5 months ago)
Go Mgtow men but realized that beware what you are hunting and learn what you are hunting for.
uacusecha2000 (5 months ago)
I don't know why some say this talk is pointless, when the bulk of it was an ego workout session: I invented the "0th date", I get 200+ messages, I succeed in everything including something as daunting as finding a worthy partner, etc. Why confront reality when you can live out your costly somewhat-misleading fantasy? Seriously, I don't know how to respond to narcissists: should we feel pity and show some compassion or is it better to treat them like grownup children?
David Davidoff (5 months ago)
When someone need guidness in this matter Its better that he or she cant find someone
BunnyFett (5 months ago)
Met the guy of my dreams on OkCupid.
Nicholi White (5 months ago)
I Cringed so hard when nobody laugh at her first joke.
Mbeepy (5 months ago)
I find a lot of Tedx talks better than the main Ted ones
HimKioo (5 months ago)
I feel this person is overthinking too much... .. . Therefore this person became a little over the top.
AGRETZOR (5 months ago)
WHAMEN. Will they ever see their own hypergamy and solopsism? She is old, overweight and was never pretty to begin with. This broad at best registers as an inanimate object for 7/10 men and above. Just go grab a 5/10 beta and be happy to not die alone.
p d (5 months ago)
Bad vibes
Edward Chang (5 months ago)
I feel bad for Chaz
Steven Stifler (5 months ago)
Online dating has give women a lot of power. As a man we only are toys for them. Sometimes they just want to fell attractive and they don't reply ever. My personal opinion is that in every online dating only 1% of the girls are worthy. Love arrives when we least expect it.
MostlyLoveOfMusic (5 months ago)
Awful woman, as with most women :)
Leonidas 666 (5 months ago)
2:55 30 seconds... Wow. And I thought I was shallow.
Hue Lu (5 months ago)
Why I didn’t like Tinder.
riccia888 (5 months ago)
AWALT
IMPERFECT WOMAN OF GOD (5 months ago)
Online sites suck and only go off looks. That's not a way to start of relationship by just looks. Looks are skin deep and we all will get old one day.
Jay San Juan Garcia (5 months ago)
Love the talk! Short, simple and straight to the point! :-)
Bombed Nevada (5 months ago)
I love the idea of a zero date however I would like to have some other perspectives. Men have a very different experience with online dating after all.
Michael Harris (5 months ago)
On dating websites for a year and was first contacted much less asked out by less then 3 women.
Michael Harris (5 months ago)
None of them asked me out
F Roy (5 months ago)
Well, I think she has a kind hard mathematical approach to this. The truth is you don't know. Lists are just lists. You won't know until you meet them. Wanting this or that. Has nothing to do whether you will like somebody or not. Women may have dozens if not hundreds of responses. Men on the hand other don't. Electronic dating is about rejecting, especially for women. There re just so many choices. On the positive side, you do get the exposure, and you could meet people that you never would have met otherwise. Don't have expectations, just enjoy each others company when you meet them.
Cerbyo (5 months ago)
That was completely pointless. Also: Independent self-sufficient women always set the rules of dating, offline, and online. This video is meant for outgoing women who like to shop around. But what you don't realize is Men aren't idiots, they will realize if they can fit the criteria and take advantage of the system you set inplace. So guess what, this is why 'these' women off end-up losing and hating on men all the time. Because 1) the vaste majority of men DON't meet their screenings to begin with, and 2) most of the ones who do meet the screenings were playing them to begin with and are able to BECAUSE they possess the key to bypass these screenings. You sow what you reap.
Marlon Moncrieffe (5 months ago)
It is 'reap what you sow' but otherwise, yeah.
Onigorom (5 months ago)
I need to hear both sides in order to believe her.
Onigorom (5 months ago)
TED needs to cooperate with Jerry Springer.
U Riaz (5 months ago)
I think my dating app is applying these filters for me. Zero matches daily!
Free Surfer (5 months ago)
nice boobs
Paul Hyndes (5 months ago)
Run the other way, keep going until you’re a safe distance!
@1ICHIR0 (5 months ago)
Fam are all 30 year olds this sad lmaooo 😩🤔 life ain’t a fuckin McKinsey interview get over yourself !!
za az (5 months ago)
Mrs. Wallace looks sexy, but speaks with the authority of a man. Who would like to date a math and theater nerd, VP at a tech company? I want a kind and loving lady, ready to accomodate a lovenest. Ha, cultural marxism... no wonder these women are opened-up to migrants, not a decent gentleman would be interested by them.
Doughnoz (5 months ago)
This was something idk what it was just well kinda boring
Simon Inglis (5 months ago)
You "gave up" campus dating due to physical "height" If height is your key criterion, then that is a problem. You then later say you want "empathy, kindness etc" Problem two is that you don't know what you want There are plenty of short guys who are kind, gentle, strong, intelligent, creative, considerate, and devoted.
Madd Knadd (5 months ago)
this was terrible
Todd Davis (5 months ago)
Every woman I met was in fantasy land. Not ready for even dating much less a relationship. And all lied about not being drunks. Where are all the great men women ask? pphhfftt smH
Event Hʘriךּon (5 months ago)
concise and to the point. Nice
william louie (5 months ago)
Online dating is for women only. She was lucky she gets to choose. There's 1:100 ratio of women to men on dating site.
Grinning Guise (5 months ago)
FFS, she only tested this on one set of data. Dump your lawyer friend and retest your hypothesis!
Dai mon (5 months ago)
I would love to do this, but women never answer at all. So we are back to square one.
Jimmy McGowan (5 months ago)
I can't wait to use all this info once I get my first match.
GuitarZombie (5 months ago)
Most good men are not using these dating sites.
MassDynamic (5 months ago)
it's not like online dating apps is the only way to get yourself out there. it will be one of the multiple sources of companionship and just streamline it. the app is not supposed to be the only source for your hunt for "the one".
Yusuf Polat (5 months ago)
This video is purely for women. They get hundreds to choose from. We get 1 every once in awhile. You can't trickle down the 1 person.
Hugo L (5 months ago)
Stupid TED. Relationships do not depend necessarily of how much you have in common with the other person. She's trying to tame the thing analytically, just to satisfy her ego in the end, looking for someone like herself. Just stupid. Instead of doing this, she should have investigated how long-term couples work, she'll see that is much more related to be capable of LISTENING and LEARNING than a matter of reproducing the same dialogues she has in her head.
Giovanni Cirillo (5 months ago)
I agree 100%
Programmer Parker (5 months ago)
Literally learned nothing from that

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